About
Us
The Story of the Gourmet Gangsters
Now, listen up, ’cause I ain’t gonna say this twice. This is the history of the Gourmet Gangsters, but some names? Yeah, we changed ’em to protect the guilty. Gotta keep the heat off our backs, ya know?
Back in the early 2000s, the Godfathah himself was watchin’ the local news when a segment for this so-called “Ghost Gourmet” came on. At first, the Godfathah was entertained, watchin’ these guys review restaurants all ovah Boston. But after catchin’ a few episodes, somethin’ didn’t sit right. These jamokes? They weren’t bein’ straight with the people. They was sayin’ the food was “good” when the Godfathah knew for a fact it tasted like hot garbage. How’d he know? ‘Cause he’d been to some of these joints himself.
Now, the people? They deserve the truth, not some sugar-coated bullshit. Somebody had to step up. So the Godfathah, bein’ the stand-up guy he is, decided to take matters into his own hands. That’s when “Hazy Boy Food” was born. Why “Hazy,” you ask? Let’s just say the boys were always a little… well, hazy, if ya catch my drift.
There were nine of us, runnin’ the show, writin’ reviews all ovah New England. And lemme tell ya, we was havin’ a ball. Every review was honest—sometimes brutal—but always truthful. We wasn’t just eatin’ food, we was deliverin’ justice on a plate.
But then one day, the Godfathah gets a piece of certified mail. So, like any respectable mob boss, he drags himself down to the post office to sign for this thing. He cracks open the envelope, and what’s inside? A cease-and-desist from some two-bit furniture store called “Hay Z Boy Furniture.” These flunkies had the nerve to claim we was steppin’ on their trademark with “Hazy Boy Food.” Can ya believe that? A bunch of couches tryin’ to muscle in on our food reviews.
Meet the Gangsters
Click on the mug shot to read their file.
Richie
Don’t let Richie’s fit physique fool ya—back in his 20s, he’d eat and drink anything that didn’t walk away, and that’s why we called him Fat Richie. Now, word to the wise: call him that today, and you might get popped in the mouth. Richie’s all about the gym these days, but when it comes to food, he still puts it away like the old days, just works out to even the odds. His weakness? A roast beef sandwich stacked high and drippin’ in sauce, with a side of his favorite beverage: Mountain Dew. Richie may be lean, but the man still eats like a true Gourmet Gangster.
Mingle
Mingle’s got the same bloodline as Sweet James, so ya know he’s got a deep appreciation for good food. The Parrot family don’t mess around when it comes to eatin’, and if you’ve ever been to one of their summer BBQs, you’d know they mean business—no shortcuts, no holdin' back. Mingle’s got a soft spot for Chinese, just like Sweet James, but don’t be fooled, the guy’s well-versed in all kinds of cuisines. If Mingle’s on the scene, you can bet there’s somethin’ worth eatin’ on the table.
$T
Originally from the streets of Woburn, MA, $T had his share of “situations” back in the day—one of 'em forced him to disappear for a few years, leavin’ everyone wonderin' where the hell he went. Eventually, he resurfaced down in South Florida, where he kept things low-key until he decided to get the boys back togethah for the Gourmet Gangsters.
$T does things big—always sittin’ with his back to the wall, keepin' an eye on the door for any trouble. When $T hits a joint, one appetizer ain’t enough; nah, he’s gotta order the whole fuckin’ menu. Lucky for our followers, ‘cause he’ll show ya a taste of everythin’ at each spot he graces. $T’s specialty? Fine dining, top-shelf joints. If you’re lookin’ for an upscale spot to impress your main squeeze, $T’s got the inside scoop for any special occasion.
Drew
Nobody evah knows where the hell Drew is, but you can bet he’s eatin’ somethin' straight outta a Food Network spread. The kid’s all in or nothin’—even if he’s doin’ somethin’ boring as shit, his posts make it look like a party you’d kill to be at. Drew’s got a knack for sniffin’ out the joints where the classy dames roam, and if you lose him at a club, just check by the DJ booth. That’s Drew for ya, livin’ it up with style.
Paulie Toes
Paulie’s a made man in the Gourmet Gangsters, and trust me, he’s earned it. Pays his union dues, too—one hard-workin', blue-collar son of a bitch. But when Paulie’s off the clock, the guy’s a wild card. His taste? All ovah the map. One day he’s chowin’ down on linguiça and lapas straight from his motherland of Portugal; the next, he’s gettin’ dry-sautéed crispy wings with that peppercorn kick from the local Chinese spot. Paulie Toes don’t play favorites—if it’s good, it’s goin’ on his plate.
Sweet James
They call him Sweet James—a man of few words, but don’t let that fool ya. When he reviews, sometimes it’s just a photo of an empty plate, and trust me, that says it all. Sweet James learned the ropes from Big Jim himself, may he rest in peace, who was known by every local spot in town, especially the Chinese joints. So, it ain’t a surprise that Sweet James’s got a radar for good Chinese food. And he’s got a soft spot for Latin ladies, which explains his other specialty—tacos. When it comes to Sweet James, if he says it’s good, ya know it’s worth the trip.
JA
JA’s a real man’s man, plain and simple. Picture him sittin’ back with a cigar lit, a big rock of ice swimmin' in a glass of smokey bourbon—that’s his kinda night. When it comes to puttin' down food, no one’s got the appetite JA does. BBQ, red meat, you name it, if it’s on the table, it’s gettin' cleared. And don’t expect any bourbon left ovah, either. When JA’s at the table, he leaves no scraps—food, drink, or othahwise.
Tlo
Back in his Boston days, Tlo was a legend—a party animal who knew how to stir things up. He lived it up like there was no tomorrow, but, well, things got a little too hot. Matter of fact, for Tlo’s own protection, let’s just say the guy in that mug shot ain’t even Tlo. And if you think you know the whole story on “Tlo,” you might be dreamin'—this whole backstory could be a cover just to protect one of our own.
Ya see, Tlo’s got his sights set on livin' forevah, and the guy’s strict diet proves it. This ain’t your typical foodie—Tlo’s all about health, skippin' the carbs, even down to orderin’ a burgah without the bread. Yeah, you heard that right. If you’re lookin’ to eat clean but don’t wanna give up on flavor, Tlo’s your guy. And just a heads-up: you’ll often find him hangin’ with Drok at the joints with the classiest dames around.
Drok
Drok’s a bit of a mystery in the food game—no one’s got a clue what his specialty really is. Back in the day, young Drok could throw down chicken patties like nobody’s business, but now? Just the thought makes him green around the gills. These days, he’s got a refined taste, and while he don’t stick to just one kinda cuisine, if Drok says a place is worth goin' to, ya better listen. He’s also got a knack for findin' spots where the ratio of classy dames to wise guys is in favor of the made men. Trust Drok to know where the food’s hot and the view’s even bettah.
So, the Godfathah, bein’ sharp as always, writes ’em back, tellin’ ’em we ain’t got nothin’ to do with their damn furniture. We’re talkin’ food, not recliners. But one of their flunky lawyers writes back, all high and mighty, tellin’ us to “Contact our lawyers.” Now, the Godfathah was only 20 at the time, didn’t have a crew of lawyers on speed dial, and let’s be real, dealin’ with these chumps wasn’t worth the dough. So we shut it down—Hazy Boy Food went six feet undah.
For over 20 years, we kept quiet, but we neva stopped enjoyin’ the finest food from New England, down to South Florida and all the way to the West Coast. But then? The Godfathah saw anothah episode of Ghost Gourmet, and that’s when the fire was lit again. These Ghost Gourmet clowns were still out there lyin’ to the people, and that just didn’t sit right. The time had come to give the people what they needed—the fuckin’ truth.
So the nine of us got back togethah, and this time? We formed what’s now known as the Gourmet Gangsters. We ain’t playin’ around this time. We’re here to serve up honest reviews with a side of grudges, takin’ aim at those phonies from Ghost Gourmet and our old nemesis Hay Z Boy. And if anyone else wants to try and take us down? We got a pair of cinderblock shoes waitin’ for ‘em.
The people deserve the truth, and that’s exactly what the Gourmet Gangsters are here to deliver. We ain’t goin’ nowhere, capisce?
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